Sunshine is out, temps are up, and (hopefully) your energy, motivation, and willingness to take action are too!

If you haven’t had the chance to check out the previous blog post about springing into action– setting boundaries and saying no, please do!

This post explores another aspect of taking care of ourselves, part 2— articulating our needs.

If you’re about to close this post, WAIT!

Just because something feels uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s unsafe, impossible, or unimportant.

If you’re noticing a reaction to simply thinking about communicating your needs to others, please do yourself a favor and read on.

Articulating our needs, making requests, and advocating for ourselves requires skill.

Skills that weren’t modeled or taught to most of us growing up.

In your household…

Maybe it was easier to keep quiet than it was to share your perspective.

Maybe it was more effective to fix something yourself than it was to ask for help.

Maybe it was safer to sit with your feelings than it was to seek support.

Maybe your family struggled and there wasn’t space to share your needs.

Maybe your family was “perfect” and you couldn’t disrupt the status quo.

Whatever the reason, a lot of us get into adulthood and realize we have no idea how, and likely no interest, to ask for what we need (even when we desperately need to)!

A Guide to Articulating Your Needs:

Step 1: Pinpointing a Problem

This may sound familiar– step one is acknowledging a problem exists. We’ve got to notice that our needs aren’t being met. If something isn’t working for us, our bodies will let us know.

You might notice:

Frustration
Burnout
Exhaustion/Fatigue
Anxiety
Irritability/Anger
Dread
Resentment
Loneliness/Isolation
Depression
Physical discomfort (ex. pain, hunger, illness, etc.)

Keep in mind, that you’re the expert on yourself. If you’re feeling discomfort– turn inwards… reflect on what’s happening in your body and your mind and ask yourself:

“What do I need that I’m not getting?”
“What feels blocked?”
“How am I doing at taking care of myself?”

Step 2: Set the Stage

When communicating with others, start by describing the situation using non-judgmental language (a.k.a. stating what happened from the perspective of a bystander), then move to expressing how you feel using an “I” statement. These steps set the stage for effectively getting what you need.

Step 2 in Action:

The Burnt-out Default Parent: “Hey, I’m noticing that the last two weekends you’ve made plans to go out with your friends and it leaves me to handle the kids alone for several hours. I’m feeling really frustrated and exhausted.”

The Forgotten Friend: “I’m not sure if this is something you’ve noticed, but the last three times I called you, you never returned my call and you haven’t answered the last few texts I sent either. I’m feeling hurt and confused about where our friendship stands.”
The Overloaded Employee: “For the past two weeks I’ve been assigned three new tasks without anyone checking in on my existing workload. I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

Step 3: Artfully Articulating

Now, take a deep breath, shake out the nerves— tell them what you need. This statement shouldn’t be passive and it shouldn’t feel uncertain. Be clear, direct, and concise.

Step 3 in Action:

The Burnt-out Default Parent: “Next weekend, I’m going to book an appointment to get a massage on Saturday at 3:00pm. I need some time for self-care.”
The Forgotten Friend: “I need more communication from you when I reach out.”
The Overloaded Employee: “I need an extension until Friday to get this assignment done.”

Pro tips for Step 3:

Write out what you might say ahead of time, practice communicating with someone else, say it in the mirror, record a video to rehearse, etc.
Consider what mode of communication is most effective– in-person, phone call, text, email, video meeting, etc.
Use the “broken record” technique if the other person tries to deny or dismiss your request. Just simply state your need again and again and again (and again)!

Step 4: Teamwork Makes the Dreamwork

Sometimes, we view communicating our needs as this big game of tug-of-war– but it’s more like a see-saw… rocking back and forth from day to day, week to week, as life shifts and changes. You can foster a sense of teamwork by reinforcing why this need holds value for everyone and offering some flexibility to ensure your needs get met.

Step 4 in Action:

The Burnt-out Default Parent: “Getting some time away will help me get out of this funk. I know you mentioned wanting to spend more solo time with the kids. If another weekend or time may work better, we can see what timing is best for all of us.”
The Forgotten Friend: “Having more back-and-forth communication would make me feel more connected to you. I think it would also cut out all the catching-up we have to do when it’s been a while since we’ve talked. If there’s a better way for us to stay in touch, throw some ideas at me. I really value our friendship.”
The Overloaded Employee: “A couple extra days will give me more time to make this project the best it can be and I think our clients will appreciate the quality of the work. If you have any other thoughts or suggestions on getting it done, I’m open to hearing them.”

As always, remember that asking for what you need is hard work. Especially if it’s not something that’s been normalized and encouraged for you to do.

Articulating our needs is self-care. It’s actionable self-compassion and self-preservation.

You are allowed to have needs too.